Friendly Giant Syndrome

You know how I escape the world? I just watch you smile, and everything around me fades away. The warmth of the setting sun wraps upon me like a blanket everytime your eyes meet mine. Without words; I invite you to take my hand. Life may not be the party we expected it to be, but while we are here; we should dance. - Musshy Johan.

Cut.

Frustrated.

Life is an endless shithole, and yet people still think I live in luxury. My initial plan has failed. My fallback plan has failed. My life isn't getting any better.

Don't compare me to others who have risen to glory; for I will never be as strong as them as they are now, and evidently I will never be as strong as they are when they began. I can't do this alone.

I have nobody to blame.

I cannot blame.

I cannot blame because my agonizing life isn't over yet. People blame when things are over. People blame when the the victim is identified and dead.

My case has merely begun. Fuck.

...

Please stop turning your back against me. Please. All of you are a force to be reckoned with once united. Yet all of you still insist on division and separation. Like I said, I can't do this alone.

I'm tired. So very tired. I put on a smile, and persevere through the shit that's tossed at me. But every man has a limit.

I do not have your strength. I do not have your passion. I do not have your voice. I'm merely a seedling, trying to find the sun. The more I stretch for it, the more I lose touch with the Earth. And when I fall, that's when everyone will continue climbing. Using my remains as a pedestal to greater heights.

I cannot accept such a harsh reality.

Manchester United's shock loss to Liverpool at Anfield; is the Premier League over for United? No. Here's why;

I don't understand what's up with Scouse-fans boasting about their win against Manchester United at Anfield. Let's review last season, shall we? Manchester United had Tevez and Ronaldo but still lost home and away twice to Liverpool; correct me if I'm mistaken but wasn't it Manchester United who won the Premier League last season? And where was Liverpool at the Champions League finals? The war isn't over, the competition starts AFTER the January transfer window. David Villa and Silva are considering coming to Old Trafford, and I await their arrival.

p/s: I hope Chelsea get that ban lifted before the transfer window opens; Carlo Ancelotti is Chelsea's savior, and he deserves a pat on the back after what he went through from critics pulverizing him with comments about his shoddy management for AC Milan.

Dreams

You know, I live practically two minutes away from a playground/football field. And I've been playing football in a serious manner for less then a year.

Point is, I've recently been told I improve and learn faster footballers. Who knows, if I studied in a football academy, then I would be playing at a higher level.

But hey, no point crying over spilled milk. Pointless post, no? Just wanted to share.

ps. if i ever have a son, im gonna send him to a football academy. if i have a daughter... hmm haven't thought about it yet.

Sanctuary.

Anyone can spare me a roof to put over my head?

I'm getting more and more sick of my family treating me like a child.

What the Hell.

Ignorance is Bliss

Yes, I did notice that she's back in Malaysia.

I did try to contact her. Still trying.

But so far, it seems like she's avoiding me.

*sigh*

Epic Eighteen..?

6th of July. Exactly 18 years ago, I was born. Hurrah..?

That special day should've been a day of celebration, jubilation, and awesomeness. But truth be told, I've never looked forward to my birthdays. I never have since I was a kid.

Every birthday party I try to have turns into a disaster, every gathering spent alone, every family dinner turns into a high-volume debate.

This is why I try to ignore my birthday, count the seconds until I close my eyes and go to sleep to wake up the next day knowing that my birthday is now behind me.

I did think that this year would've been the same as the many years before, and lo and behold, it was yet another huge f*cking disappointment.



need to find a job quick. =.=

Hehehehehe.

Manchester United is coming soon. Heheheheh. Heheheheheh. Heheheheheheh.

Look-out!

Hey guys and gals!

It's me! You're least favorite blogger!

It's been awhile since I've last blogged, I've been through too much to type into a single blog post, and I, for damn sure, ain't typing more than one post just for what I've been going through.

First off, of course most of you will be asking; "which college are you going to?" "have you decided on what you want to be?" "can you even afford college?".

Well, my only response to you is; FRACK YOU! AND FRACK YOUR CONDESCENDING FACE!!






Geez. It's true that my family have been going through finan-. Scratch that. My family have been going through absolutely nothing. But they're too goddamn proud to live in mediocrity. And they try to lift their own standards by demeaning their own family members.

And who gets affected by their fighting?

Their children. Their sons and daughters. Their nephews and nieces.

For this, we might need a flashback. For those who aren’t adequately high, please read carefully instead.

There was a night, when my grandparents and I were invited to dinner to my uncle and aunt's house, and after the said-dinner, I had a man-to-man conversation to my uncle concerning my future, especially education.

He told me that my two other uncles and himself have decided that they would open up.. Sort of a fund. My college fund, where they would donate as much as they could possibly could without affecting their own household demands.

I was ecstatic. They were honestly trying to help me, trying to fulfill the responsibility my deceased father had been forcefully taken away from. I was moved.

I went home, and spent the rest of the night researching colleges, and the courses they offered. No, I spent weeks finding the "perfect" college.

And when I did find it, I get the word from my grandmother, saying that my uncle is sick of waiting for me to find the right college. And sick of waiting for me to clarify things with my own mother. And he practically announced that he was pulling out of support my college fund.

I was devastated. I felt like a kitten, tied to railroad tracks, and the train just ran me over. And I was immortal, and the train kept on going and going.

You don’t give someone hope, and take it away so easily. That’s what murderers and psychopaths do. And I doubt that my uncle is either.

I wasn’t satisfied, no, I wasn’t. And guess what? After digging up information, and the usual play-of-words, I found out this was due to a conflict in my family. Specifically with my mother, and my deceased father’s family. I’m not going to get into the details here, because it’s rather complicated and ridiculous.

This is COLLEGE. This is my chance on getting a whole new experience in life, and possibly benefiting myself to become a better man. But no, they’re too busy covering their eyes with dirt to see that fact.

I was not going to let this damper my plans, and I still had my two uncles who were still supporting my fund. But had yet donated any amount of money into it. Which was fine with me, since I only needed to know that they would get this fund rolling as soon as I started college.

But then, I find out my second uncle, had pulled out. Apparently he has some household problems with his children, which I understood.

I still had my third, and last uncle.

BUT THEN!!!

Apparently he pulled out as well, his wife (my aunt) had talked him out of it. WHY?!

Because my aunt is quarreling with my mother. And is still at it, it seems.














I had the chance to go to colleges like Taylor’s, HELP, KBU!

But all of it.. GONE

Why? Let me tell you the two things families are built out of.

A family is all about communication and unity

COMMUNITY

Sure, my family has communication and unity

BUT IT’S CORRUPTED.

My family’s communication consists of talking behind each other’s backs, and what has been said in confidence, will be blown out of proportion before reaching the ears of the person being talked about

And their unity? Well, let’s say that each conflict is WAR. And each conflict has two or maybe more GENERALS. The General who has the most influence in terms of finance and/or bribery will have the most soldiers. Which are my other family members. And charisma will get you soldiers for such a short amount of time.





Enough of me ranting. I’m about to blow a blood vessel, and they’ll probably blame everyone but themselves if that happens.

I’m currently trying to help my grandparents move, and after that I’m going to start looking for a job. I’ll pay for my own god-damn college funds, I’ve had enough of this shit. And as soon as I finish my diploma, I’m moving the hell out of this place.

Consider this the emancipation of Johan.



Sadly to say, I've even considered suicide once. No, it's more than once. But I couldn't think of a flashy way for me to leave the world.

But today, tonight, I went to Ampang's look-out point. And It was beautiful. It reminded me how small and insignificant I am in this world. It gave me a new breath of life. I felt inspired. I was motivated. And I told myself that I am NOT going to die before I make my mark on this world.


Unfortunately, you're going to have to bear with more of my awful blog posts as long as I'm alive. =P

My Condolences to Iqwan and his Family.

Dear readers,

I wish to have your full attention on this post as you read it out to yourself.

Iqwan's mother passed away on Wednesday due to a horrific fall from a hiking trip. I have known Iqwan since Form 1, and I knew his parents loved hiking. There was a time when his parents invited me along to Melaka with Iqwan and Teck Ming; they were meeting up with colleagues for a hiking trip.

Iqwan refused when his parents invited the three of us to join them. But the times I had with his parents and him in Melaka were full of laughter.

Iqwan; if you are reading this, I would like you to know that you are not alone.



My father who was working overseas in Germany died in a car crash. This was on November 13th. That's right; two days after SPM began for me.

My mother flew to Germany, but she begged my family to keep this a secret from me. To only tell me after I had finished my SPM.

He was driving in Denmark when he crashed. Police told my mother that he was reaching for something during the drive that distracted him from the road. He hit the side barrier which caused his car to flip, his car then slid to the oncoming lane, where another car collided with his.

My entire family knew that my father was an experienced driver, who could drive 180km/h to Singapore with a cigarette in one hand while fiddling with his phone in the other hand and still laugh about it.

My family refused to believe that he died in a car crash. It was impossible to them.

I cried for hours when my mother told me the news. All I had to do to overcome my grief was to think of what he would say if he were still here, he would tell me it was a small matter; and tell me to move on in life.



What I'm trying to say is, Iqwan, move on with your life. But never forget your mother. Don't remember her for weaknesses; but for the accomplishments in life, as a mother.

Let her rest knowing her son is doing great in life. Immortalize her through your own actions.

And once again; you have my condolences. From me, and my family. I'm here for you, Iqwan. And so are your friends.

A peek into the mind of a stressed undergraduate.

MONEY WORK PART-TIME-JOBS FRIENDS RELATIONSHIPS FAMILY PHYSIQUE ATTIRE SPORTS COLLEGE SCHOLARSHIPS TIES SHIRTS SHOES SPM-RESULTS MONEY HOBBIES APARTMENT-TO-RENT MONEY FOUNDATION DEGREE DIPLOMA CAMPUS TRANSPORTATION DRIVERS-LICENSE CAR MOTORCYCLE BICYCLE MONEY BOSSES CO-WORKERS MONEY STRESS-RELIEF MONEY GUITAR MONEY MONEY MONEY MONEY MONEY MONEY MONEY MONEY MONEY MONEY MONEY MONEY MONEY MONEY MONEY MONEY MONEY MONEY MONEY MONEY MONEY MONEY MONEY MONEY MONEY MONEY MONEY MONEY MONEY MONEY MONEY MONEY MONEY MONEY MONEY MONEY MONEY MONEY MONEY MONEY MONEY MONEY MONEY MONEY MONEY
MONEY MONEY MONEY MONEY MONEY MONEY MONEY MONEY MONEY MONEY MONEY MONEY MONEY DUIT MONEY MONEY MONEY MONEY MONEY MONEY MONEY MONEY MONEY MONEY MONEY MONEY MONEY MONEY MONEY MONEY MONEY MONEY MONEY MONEY MONEY MONEY MONEY MONEY MONEY MONEY MONEY MONEY MONEY MONEY MONEY MONEY MONEY MONEY MONEY MONEY MONEY MONEY MONEY MONEY MONEY MONEY MONEY MONEY MONEY MONEY MONEY MONEY MONEY MONEY MONEY MONEY MONEY MONEY MONEY MONEY MONEY MONEY MONEY MONEY MONEY MONEY MONEY MONEY MONEY MONEY AMBITIONS CAREER-PATHS FAMILY'S HONOR SPM SPM SPM MORE MONEY

Late Response. (Tagged by Ah Chun!)

Directions: Once you’ve been tagged, you have to write a blog with sixteen random things, facts, habits or goals about you. At the end choose ten people to be tagged, listing their names and why you chose them. Don’t forget to leave them a comment eg. (”you’re it”) and to read your blog. You can’t tag the person who tagged you. Since you can’t tag me, let me know when you’ve posted your blog, so I can see your weirdness.

1. I like surfing the internet.
- Yes, I do indeed. And no, I don't use the Internet to use Myspace or Friendster. I do visit forums every now and then, but my passion is just reading stories written by anonymous people all over the globe.

2. I love making people smile, even if it means making a fool of myself.
- This is true, but I do have serious conversations when friends seek my consultation. I don't spout crap all the time. -.-"

3. I usually get depressed when my attempt to make someone laugh backfires.
- Yup, if my antics don't work; I go weep in my emo-corner.

4. I have an unusual taste of music which incorporates closely according to my moods.
- I often listen to House music when I need to mellow out of stressful days, and I listen to Rock music when I need the spirit to punch someone to get through the day.

5. I am an avid roleplayer. ( No, not cybering. =.=" )
- I know it's hard to believe someone as down to Earth as myself loves spending the day making story arcs for his own fictional characters. But I'll have you know that I have learned alot from my experience in roleplaying.

6. I am one to argue and rant about people's personalities and actions.
- I dislike people who need to have things their own way even when it serves as a hindrance to those around these people.

7. I'm a BIG fan of football and tennis.
- I love these two sports; I'm also a fan of basketball and American football. But as some of my friends would know; I dislike being a spectator.

8. I hate leaving things halfway done.
- Which is why I am going to finish listing down 16 facts about myself even if I'm stuck halfway.

9. I get awfully creative when I'm bored.
- This is proven by the display names I often use on Windows Live Messenger. :D

10. I am told that I speak English with a very American accent.
- Denise asked me to pronounce 'Dance'. That is her quick test. =/ And no, I don't know how I got my American accent, and I am not bullshitting you. Unlike some people who make other people believe they have accents. =.="

11. I write in my free-time
- Write... Or type. Anyway, I write alot of fiction. Most of it is horror. I once wrote a mysterious horror when my English teacher gave me an essay-writing assignment. She asked me to retype the whole thing to fulfill her specifications so she can publish it in the newspapers. But I decided not to; since it was too much work. :P

12. I have scars, both mentally and physically.
- I tend to hide these scars from my friends. But I don't tend to brood on them. So, no, I'm not emo.

13. I have trouble remembering dreams.
- This has been happening rather recently. And apparently, I'm not the only person with this kind of problem. And even when I do remember my dreams; they are often too goddamn confusing to understand.

14. I fall asleep earlier by lying on my side.
- Even so, I always wake up on my back. (Running out of ideas here...)

15. I love my current part-time job
- Even if it's stressful as hell, but I like it because it has alot of movement going on. I can't handle working in retail where I have to make rounds around the shop with customers who don't even like us. And if the store is empty; my mind would explode from boredom.

16. I'd rather hang out at a cafe and reminisce rather than stroll around a colossal mall.
- This is a very, very true statement.

17. I li- Eh eh eh. I'm done! HAHA!

I HEREBY DECLARE THE NAMES OF THOSE WHO WILL BE TAGGED BY ME!!!
* Amy
* Bridget
* Bryant
* Denise
* Kak Avril
* Rachel Yong
* Sasha
* Xin Lin & Xin Hui